Before we can talk about finding my way back to God, you need to know how I lost him.
When I was a young girl, all I knew of God was that he would send me to hell if I lied or had sex before I was married. I knew there was a place called heaven, that all “good” people went and a hell that all “bad” people went. I was curious about God and Jesus but not coming from a vocally religious family, all my questions went unanswered. I had a neighbor that attended church every Sunday and she had asked me if I wanted to attend church with them, excited, I answered yes and ran home to check with my parents. That Sunday I went to church for the first time. It was amazing. I felt so much joy in my heart, so much love around me. My Sunday school teacher was an older lady who always had fun activities for us, taught me how to pray and had open talks with us about God. I was a Christian girl and was thrilled to have God in my life.
Meanwhile on the home front, my grandpa was sick. He had cancer and it was spreading throughout him. My grandpa and I had a very close relationship, I was with him and my grandma any chance I had. I prayed for him to recover, to beat the cancer but God was ready for him. My mom told me that he was up in heaven building a big house for our entire family, so when God was ready for any of us, grandpa would have a place for us to live. I cried nightly, quietly in my room, asking God to tell my grandpa that I love him. I wasn’t mad at God for taking my grandpa from us. Only sad for the memories that I would never get to make with him.
The next time I was able to go to church, I told my Sunday school teacher and classmates about the passing of my grandpa. I expected them to pray with me, comfort me and tell me about this wonderful heaven that my grandpa was now in. That is not what happened. My Sunday school teacher held my hands and asked me if my grandpa was a Christian, I answered yes. She asked me if he went to church every Sunday, I answered no. She then told me that my grandpa unfortunately was in hell. Since he did not attend church, God would not allow him to enter heaven. Upset, I told her that none of my family attended church but me and she told me that I would be the only one allowed in heaven.
I never went to church again. If my family was going to be going to hell, then I was going to go with them.
I lived my teens and college years with God in my heart but pushed to the very back of it. I wanted to let him in my life, pray to him, live for him but how could I risk not being with my family after I die. I didn’t know enough to know the truth.
Skip ahead to my journey with infertility. My husband and I had been trying for a baby with no luck. After seeing a doctor, going through insane tests and month after month of heartache, I decided it was time to pray. Sitting down with my husband, we held hands and we prayed for a baby. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I would love to tell you that I got pregnant right away but that wasn’t the case. We were beat down, heart-broken and decided that our next doctor appointment would be our last. As we walked into the office, I prayed, I asked for forgiveness, I promised to let him guide me through my life and to turn to him when times were challenging, I gave myself up to him and a calm came over me. This was it, the doctor had given us a slim chance to get pregnant but I had God on my side and I felt him there with us.
I laid on that chair and closed my eyes, I braced myself for another heart-break and then……. a heart beat. A little tiny blob that had a heart beat. God had done it, he blessed us with a baby. 9 months later, we had a beautiful baby girl, we were told that the chances of us having another child were non-existent, but you know who else had something to say about that? God, 9 months after that, we found out we were expecting again!
To think, God has always been with me and all he was waiting for was me to let him.
I have not stopped praying since then and I am so happy that I found my way back to God. I can’t bring myself to go to church every Sunday but I love participating in church activities. I believe that church is wherever I feel close to God and I know that God is ok with that. Never will I allow another person to get in the way of me loving and following God.